The title of the book in question was originally Men ON Women but as author Barbara Silkstone got into interviewing over 500 men on their opinions about women, sex, and relationships, the men relaxed in her one on one chats and became emotionally naked with her, hence she changed the title to 527 Naked Men and One Woman: Adventures of a Love Investigator, which you can buy here.

Barbara Silkstone

I found the book fascinating (as a psychiatrist) for the wide range of nuttiness found in the men’s attitudes about love and sex, which seemed to boil down to either I am looking for my life partner and that one wasn’t it, or she just stayed at home with the kids and had no goals and I want a woman with goals, and on and on. Men shared their confusion about what they thought they wanted and how unhappy they were when they actually got it.

I recently interviewed the author through email and here are some snippets:

DOUG: How did you come up with the idea of the book?

BARBARA: I was just coming off of a second divorce and felt like I was taken financially by my ex. I was sure he had a hidden agenda. I have a lot of really great guy friends and I thought there must be some guys out there who marry for true love and don’t just worry about the money. I started with a list of eight guys willing to be interviewed about their relationships. When the word got out that there was a woman who wanted to hear about their thoughts on relationships and wasn’t judgmental, the word spread through the guy-network and then around the country. I traveled for six years just listening to men. Can you imagine?

DOUG: Was there anything that surprised you about the interviews?

BARBARA: Some of the men’s attitudes about relationships were a lot worse than I had expected. It got pretty hard to listen to after a while. It took a toll on me emotionally.  There were many days went I spent the mornings with men who were having mulitiple affairs and justified them and then afternoons with single men who were helping married women cheat and those single guys had all sorts of justifications. Few of the men ever  used the word love.

DOUG:  Was there a certain answer that ran through all the interviews?

BARBARA:  I would ask the men if they would be willing to die for the woman they claimed they loved. Only 14 men out of the 527 said yes and yet half the men were married.  Their response was usually…’You’re not gonna use my name, right? Then, ‘Of course I wouldn’t lay down my life for my wife. She has no goals. I still have things to do with my life.’

It got me wondering whatever happened to those romantic guys from days of old who marched off to defend their women folk? How did we lose them?  Where did they go?

DOUG: I was surprised at how many men looked at relationships from primarily a self centered perspective, or that worried about things like not getting bogged down with a ’stay at home mom’. And yet they were so unhappy.

BARBARA: Yes it is pretty remarkable. I started out with a plan to interview 1000 men in one year. But after six long years and a couple of melt-downs I had to stop at 527 guys.  I had no more emotional strenght left – and I’m a pretty storng lady.

DOUG: Has this affected your own view of dating?

BARBARA:  I haven’t dated since I finished the last interview. I’m a perfect example of biting off more than you are trained to digest. Since I finished the interviews. I became THE WOMAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH.  What I did was an excellent job of biting off more than I could chew. I had no way to put all this knowlege into prospective. I am my own collateral damage.

DOUG: What are you working on now?

BARBARA: I’ve just completed a novel titled THE SECRET WORLD OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND, AGE 42 AND THREE-QUARTERS. I discovered that we all live in some version of Lewis Carroll’s reality. If we can just learn to laugh at ourselves we’ll survive and get a few giggles along the way.  My Alice has some crazy quirks – she suffers from Alice in Wonderland Syndrome and nibbles on little pink pills to keep her cool. She’s dying to live in England and almost does. Gangsters pursue her and she runs into the arms of a charming British conman. It’s a bit like A Fish Called Wanda.
 
DOUG: Barbara has agreed to hang around and answer questions about love and relationships on the comment section. Thanks for agreeing to being interviewed!

BARBARA: Thanks for having me!